The Importance of Justice in Parenting

It was never you against your kid.

I remember a spiritual Director telling me years ago that of all the parts of ourselves that we offer to God, often the last, and hardest, is our sense of justice.

Children demonstrate this reality in an often very obvious way: yelling “that’s not fair!” when something violates their sense of justice.

That sense of justice is a great thing to have! And if we are honest, we can identify with what they’re saying on a deep level. Even though life has hammered unfairness into us over time, causing us to respond in ways like: “that’s just how it is” Or “life is not fair.”

Let’s consider the scripture verse that, right after famously telling children to honor their parents, says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up with the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

Think deeply about how you desire to be treated by others. How you desire to be treated fairly, or justly, and if not, how it can bother you. Now, hopefully, as an adult, we  have tools and awareness that allow us to notice our emotions, process them, and not let them get the best of us. Honestly, though, most adults I work with never fully learned those skills as children so they struggle with them now.

So we know for certain your children don’t have those skills. You have to teach it to them first. And you also have to be careful not to unnecessarily aggravate, or anger, their sense of injustice.

Let’s look at a possible scenario: let’s say you expressed to your friend that you would love to go on a day trip to do some particular fun thing you’ve been thinking about and you both agree that you’re going to do it next Saturday. Then let’s say life is busy and you forget. But your friend doesn’t forget, they just secretly didn’t really want to do it and they hope you don’t remember so that they get a pass. The Saturday goes by and one day it hits you: We forgot to do that thing! You’re bummed that you missed it and you reach out to your friend. They say sorry, I guess we forgot. Though later, you find out that they did not forget, they were just taking advantage of the fact that you did.

Now think about how you relate to your kids. If there’s anything like that in there, or there are times of taking advantage of their different level of development, whether memory, ability to problem solve, lack of communication, etc: that’s not fair.

Keep your promises. And if you can’t, explain why. Honor your children’s expressed desires and needs. Treat them like an equal in dignity, respect, and justice. Pay attention when they call something out as unfair and try to help them walk through it and learn how to deal with their emotions in a validating way.

It was never you against your kid. You are on the same team, and you need the same fundamental treatment. Make sure the punishment truly fits the crime. Another example to consider: a grown adult willfully causing their child physical pain (corporal punishment) is fundamentally unjust. There may be rare occasions where this is done to prevent a child from coming to a more profound physical harm or death. This needs to be explained to the child as they are old enough to understand. Because a scared child being harmed by a strong adult (who is supposed to protect and love them) will create a deep sense of unfairness in the child, which will go on to inform many of the ways they interact with parents and the greater world. You cannot fool a child’s sense of justice.

Cultivate trust with your kids at all times. If you do anything untrustworthy, out of fairness for how you would want to be treated, sort it out with them. Be honest and apologetic. 

Let your kids innate sense of justice rekindle in you a deep appreciation for what is true, good, and beautiful.

Photo by Ricardo Moura on Unsplash